I’ve got nothin’…

Well, that’s not true. I have “lots.”

I just don’t know if I’m ready or brave enough or comfortable enough to share.

What will people think about the fact that I want to experience pregnancy, and labor, and breastfeeding, and lots of other “parenty” things, but that I don’t want to be a parent?

What will people think about how selfish I sometimes feel about NOT wanting to be a parent, when there are so many people out there who can’t have babies, or who have miscarriages, or whose babies die just before their due date, or whose babies die shortly after birth?

What will people think about the fact that my new doctor thinks that I’m still really conflicted about our decision not to become parents? (And about the fact that I think know he’s right?)

And just to lighten the mood, here’s a picture of some… um… baby geese and their parents. 🙂


12 thoughts on “I’ve got nothin’…

  1. Marylin

    Could you be a surrogate mother? Then you’d get to experience some of the aspects but not all of it…

    Being a parent is something some people just don’t want to do – there’s no shame in that hun.

    For what it’s worth though, I reckon you’d be a great mummy 😉

    Marylins last blog post..Dandelion boy

    Hi, Marilyn. I’ve considered the possibility of surrogacy. I doubt that “they” (whoever “they” is) would let me do it. Generally, surrogates already have children of their own, etc.

    That notwithstanding, I think I might be able to do it if the baby were not genetically mine (i.e. donated sperm and egg), but it would still be quite hard.

    And thanks for the vote of confidence about my potential as a parent. 🙂

  2. bits & pieces

    I think you would make a great mommy and it sounds as though your hubby would make a great daddy, but that’s a decision for the two of you to make. Not society. Not doctors. I think you’ll just know if the timing feels right. Good luck, hon.

    I often get pressured to have another, but there is no way that is going to happen. I don’t want another one.

    Have you thought about being a foster parent?

    bits & piecess last blog post..New diet. Day 1.

    Thank you. I know Ed would be a great daddy. 🙂

    Not wanting another baby is a good reason for not having one. I think knowing when your family is complete would be hard, too.

    Ed and I have talked about fostering, but we’re probably a ways away from talking about it seriously. We’ll see.

  3. cardiogirl

    That’s wild, I had never considered Marylin’s suggestion as an option.

    It is really, really hard to decide, as you know. I have absolutely no advice, just a listening ear. Right now I’m reading a book called, “We Need to Talk About Kevin.” It’s about a 16-year-old kid who is in jail because he shot and killed a teacher and six or seven fellow students. It’s written from his mother’s perspective, in the form of letters to her ex-husband in the aftermath of the shootings.

    She talks at length about how she wasn’t sure if she was ready to be a parent and that she approached it with ambivalence. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and now she wishes she had not had the child.

    That’s not my point. My point is that it’s really interesting reading her thoughts about how she felt when she was trying to decide. I agree with bits and pieces when she says it’s a decision not for anyone else (the doctor/society) but for you and your husband.

    And it might be a very difficult decision that requires more give (than you want to give) from you or your husband. Good luck.

    Thanks for the “ear,” Cardiogirl, and for the book suggestion. I’ve heard about that book, but didn’t know the perspective until you told me. I’ll borrow it from the library.

    I think my big “issue” is that children are forEVER. My husband’s 80-something-year-old mother worried about her 50-plus-year-old “baby boy.” I mean, forEVER. Ahhhhhh! 🙂

  4. kimmy

    My husband and I never discussed whether we were going to be parents or not – it just happened with our first one (me getting pregnant in September after we married in May). Knowing you like I do, and knowing what a loving person you are, I don’t know if you could be a surrogate or foster parent. You would fall in love with the child from the start and not be able to let go, which is both a blessing and a curse. I think people have the right to change their minds about anything – it’s a gift God gave us. I love my children so much, and I sometimes worry about the world I brought them into and I do all I can to prepare them for a future that I may not see. When I think about how different my childhood was compared to what theirs is, it frightens me. They can’t go door to door at Halloween without worrying that the candy is tainted, children are taking out their frustration with violent acts at their schools, a good night kiss is now a good night act that you would have on your wedding night for the first time. As the prayerful person you are, I think you need to take it to God. He’ll give you the answer.

    You make excellent points, Kimmie.

    I’ve prayed a lot about it, and for now at least, the answer is “no.” But time will tell.

  5. Colleen

    I agree with Kimmy. You & Ed will make the right decision. Just admitting that you aren’t OK with the current decision is a big step. Best of luck to you…

    And in case you want something more light-hearted to write about, I’m tagging you. (Please don’t shoot me. :O)

    Colleens last blog post..Happy MommyFest

    Hi, Colleen. It’s not that I’m not o.k. with the current decision. I think it’s the right decision, knowing me, my energy level, our family situation. But it doesn’t mean I’m always GLAD it’s the best decision, if that makes sense.

    I actually did the meme you tagged me for a couple of weeks ago. (If I’m wrong, let me know.) My response to the original meme is here.

    And I’m sorry I never got to Flashback Friday. I didn’t feel well much of Friday and Saturday. 😦 And now I’m knee deep in our wedding story for tomorrow’s carnival. It’s bad when the carnival host has writer’s block. Ugh.

  6. lceel

    I am willing to wager that most people never even consider the question – mostly, it’s “Do you want to have kids?” NOT “Do you want to be a parent?” There is a difference. Most people become parents because they want kids – not because they want to be a parent. Parenting is just something that happens when the kid show up. For most people. And for the most part, it works.

    Methinks, perhaps, my love, that thou dost thinketh too much.

    lceels last blog post..100 Word Challenge – Want

    But if you aren’t sure it will work (as I’m not), I think it’s smart to ponder the difference between “having kids” and “being a parent.”

    You’re right, though. I do think too much, about a lot of things. 🙂

  7. May

    I still look at people dealing with shrieky toddlers, whiney school-kids, sulking teenagers, and I think – I so do not want to DO that. And yet, I’ve spent the past two-and-a-half years desperately trying to get pregnant. Parenting is hard. It’s messy. It’s unglamorous. It’s boring as heck. It goes on and on and on. It’s terrifying. Anyone who isn’t ambivalent, at least sometimes, to my mind isn’t thinking straight. The weirdness is why anyone WANTS to – and I can’t answer that!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier. I liked your contribution.

    Ah, I’m glad I’m not the only one who wonders. 🙂 And thank YOU for coming by here!

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  9. Jen

    I think it’s totally normal to know and not know all at the same time. Parenting and procreating are vastly different jobs and I give you huge kudos for knowing the difference and for considering the impact of both on your life.

    Thanks so much, Jen. I sometimes feel slightly crazy for pondering the difference. It’s good to know I’m not. (Well, I’m crazy, but not about that.)

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